White Moon
by Omittchi
Summary: --Spoiler Warning for book 5-- After the events at the ministry Remus thinks back on Sirius and their relationship. (slash)


Warnings: Spoiler Warning for those of you who haven't finished book 5. Angst warning, and slash warning.

Disclaimer: I do not own HP, none of the characters events or places belong to me. They are the property of JK Rowling and her publishers. I do not own the lyrics to White Moon. It's the english translation of "Shirio Tsuki" which is Faust VIII's image song from Shaman King and sung by Koyasu Takehito. Don't sure me.

A/N: I was pissed and then I was sad. I've cried five times yesterday and three times today. I just hope this fic will help me get it all off my chest. Rest in peace Sirius Black, we will never forget you and will always love you. I also wanted to say that when Remus is talking to Sirius you'll notice that Sirius' words are all in italics. This is because he isn't really talking to Sirius. He's seeing this night in his memory and while he may actually be speaking his part aloud Sirius isn't there. Remus is talking to his memory. 

White Moon

_"Ah, inside the darkness the moon is white  
Is time stopped in sleep?   
A long night is, again, ahead  
A distant light   
Just like in your dream"  
_

I wonder if you ever knew. I could only hope you understood that when I said I loved you I meant it. I guess I'll never know now. It's funny how the nights seem to go on forever now that you are no longer here with me. Was this house always this empty? I cannot abandon Grimmauld Place, not yet. I have nowhere else to go at the moment. Who would willingly allow a werewolf to take up residence with them? I trust Dumbledore will help me he has in the past. He knows I can't stay here, not with you gone. Just yesterday this place didn't seem so bad. Just a few months ago you and I had knelt at that fireplace as we talked about James. So many people I care about have died: James, Lily, and now you. I never thought I'd be standing here without you. This place is so cold, so foreboding now, it's funny how I never realized this while you were here. Oh Sirius, can you really be dead?

The pale moon glares at me from the sky. Just another week until it's full and I'll have to lock myself away somewhere. I can only imagine what it must have been like for you. You were a member of the Order, but you couldn't do anything to help. Harry needed you, but the most you were allowed to do was pace through the halls while Kreacher talked behind your back. You must have loathed your prison as much as I loathed my own. I'm lucky though, I only had to be chained in my room once a month for a week. You had been locked up here for much longer. It's a beautiful night… the kind of night we used to argue about. You almost made me believe the moon was a beautiful thing. Of course you never had a reason to hate the moon, it had never brought a painful curse upon you with its arrival. It had always been fun for you. Now that I think about it I'd give anything to be running around in the light of the full moon with you and James. The pain that comes with being a werewolf is nothing compared to the pain of losing both of you. I'd gladly suffer every day if it meant I could see you again.

_"Ah, it's written in this heart  
Even when I can't see anything  
There's only one memory I keep close  
One, one forever"  
_

I never lost hope. When you were dragged away from me and sent to Azkaban I never stopped believing that you were innocent. You and James were best friends you'd never tell Voldemort anything that might hurt him or his new family. Now that you're gone I only hope the Ministry sees the error they have made, at least now you won't have to worry about being chased. You can sleep easy; I'll take care of Harry for you. I'll protect him with my life for you. I promise I will, so, wherever you are, don't worry.

I sniffle pitifully to myself as I reach our room and lay down, allowing the darkness to close in around me as I turn out the lights. Upon the bedside table sits a picture. I've seen it so many times I know what's there without looking at it. It's a picture of the four of us at school. I remember that day because it was the first time I ever said that I loved you. At the time I think it was just a friendly thing; you already knew I went through weird mood swings as the full moon drew near. I often wondered if you had thought anything of it. I know now that you understood me, I only wish I had realized this sooner. Whenever I was sad this picture always cheered me up. I remember running over to it after we had talked to Harry that day and pointing at James as the picture messed up the back of his hair. The memories this picture brings back are precious to me, but like many things they will be pushed to the back of my mind as I make new ones. The most precious ones are the memories I have no pictures of. Many of the memories of my childhood will one day be placed into a pensieve where I can look back upon them at will. Even if I choose to forget everything else there is only one memory I will always hold onto. 

_"Can't return to that day twice  
I can't be with you anymore  
A heavy memory in this sea of solitude  
An unusual pain that passed  
I believe in love"  
_

It may surprise you to learn that my most precious memory of you takes place here in this house that you hated so much. This was your prison and a reminder of all the things in your family that you had despised or been ashamed of. This place that has now become the prison of my heart. I loved you Sirius Black and I suppose I always will, but I can't be with you anymore. Even now that memory that seemed so precious yesterday is beginning to burn a hole in my heart. A heavy emptiness where you should've been. I knew it would hurt to think back on it, but the pain that came with it still surprised me. That night you told me you loved me… I'd give anything to be back there. It's funny that as powerful as we wizards believe ourselves to be we cannot stop death. Dumbledore has always said that the power of love is greater than the power of death. After all, it will be the power of love that defeats Voldemort. The power of your love for Harry, the power of Lily's love, the power of my love… death cannot stop love, it can only delay it for a little while.

_"Ah, in the darkness I walk  
Is time stopped in sleep?  
A long night is, again, ahead  
You and I may have to wait"  
_

I can't sleep. I didn't think I'd be able to, but at least I tried. I'm tired, Sirius, more so than you would ever believe. On nights like this, with the full moon so close at hand, I feel like giving up. What is to stop me now? If I were to just give up this fight now you and I could be together. I bite down upon the inside of my cheek to stop from crying as I walk through the dirty muggle streets of this town. I've cried enough for one day my head hurts from it. Standing upon a bridge looking out at the now starless night sky I can't stop the tears from falling. Oh well, now I'm just crying James' share of the tears. Now that I am the last of the Marauders I have to cry enough for the four of us. It would be so much easier to just jump. I'm not strong I never have been. The only reason I was ever able to endure the painful monthly transformation was because of you. If it weren't for you I don't think I could've survived. I borrowed strength from all of you, but you're all gone now. If I were to jump now I could be with you again. The three of us could run together in the moonlight through open fields.

A soft rustling sound breaks my train of thought and I look down to see a crumpled up newspaper beneath my feet. I almost turn away, but something about the picture on the front catches my eye. The boy in the picture looks up at me and tries his best to smile, to tell me everything is okay but I know better. He and I are in the same boat. We've both lost you. As picture Harry lowers his head again I remember my promise to you. I have to be strong now; I have to protect Harry for you. Smiling down at the paper through the tears I have yet to shed I find the strength to step away from the bridge and go home. There is still so much time between now and the final defeat of Voldemort, returning to your side forevermore will have to wait. I still have work to do. I have a promise to keep. James' son, your godchild is my responsibility now. I just hope the two of you will wait for me.

_"And, returning to that day  
Together we smile  
But only that pain breaks me  
The only one I have this feeling for  
Time can pass, but the scar will remain"  
_

As I walk silently through the halls I pass that window we stood at not so long ago and in my mind I can see you. You're staring up at the moon; you turn around and smile at me beckoning me closer._ "Look Moony, the moon will be full soon."_ "I don't see how that's a good thing." I say as you laugh. _"It just reminds me of the days when…"_ You start to say. "When you, me, and James used to run around the Hogwarts' school grounds." I finish. You smile and nod, once again calling me to your side. I know what will happen if I go over there. You've been trying to persuade me to let you out since Harry and the others left for school. I could never resist you though; against my better judgment I take my place at your side. _"Remus, there's something I want to tell you…"_ you begin. "If it's about going outside you can forget it. Dumbledore said it's not safe." I start, fully prepared to go into an hour-long lecture. _"It's not that."_ I can see that something is bothering you and I silently wonder if it has anything to do with Harry. As I open my mouth to assure you Harry is okay I catch your eyes. There is something there, some emotion I can't recognize. You've become so serious all of a sudden that I don't know what to expect. _"I love you Remus."_ You say in all seriousness. I could cry, you're the only one I love. The only one I will ever love. "I love you too, Sirius." I say gazing up at you with teary eyes. We smile at each other in the moonlight as we draw closer.

Just as I close the last inch of space between us you vanish. I'm left with nothing but a cloudy night sky. You loved me and I couldn't do anything to help you that night. I fall to my knees shaking. Tears blurring my vision and staining my threadbare robes. Perhaps in the future your name won't make me cry. As time passes the pain will slowly fade away until it is nothing more than a throb, but the memories will remain. The scar of losing you shall remain forever etched in my heart a painful reminder or the love I lost. 

_"Returning to that day  
It will always be written in this heart  
Forever in the sky shining  
The only one I have this feeling for  
You are my white moon"  
_

Again you are standing at the window calling me closer to you, telling me not to cry. The memories of that night shall remain within my heart forever. Even if we can never be together I shall never love anyone else. You are the only I shall ever love. Through my tears I can see gentle moon light pouring in through the window. Even if it's not full it's still so bright. The moon has broken through the clouds to bathe me in its gentle glow. I look out the window and smile through my tears as I think of you. You were right, Sirius, the moon is beautiful. "I love you Sirius…"


End file.
